#while taking me home from school
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when i read elantris i was going to school full time still. but i was commuting so i didnt have a meal plan. but i had an 8:30 am class and a 2:30 pm class (and on mondays a 6:30 pm class that went until 8:30 pm. pro tip to college students that follow me: don't do this) so i was at school through lunch. but at that time i was going to be moving out of my parents' house in like, a month, so i was saving up money to buy, like, ikea furniture and shit, so i couldn't just go out to eat five days a week. all this is to say, i was not eating lunch most days during that period of my life. so when raoden was like oh my god im so hungry it hurts oh my god im suffering oh my god i would do anything for food please please please i was like *ate breakfast 8 hours ago and will not get to eat for another 3 hours voice* ME TOO MAN. immersive experience
#for all those concerned about my health during december 2021: my grandma (the real goat the real mvp) would drive through burger king for me#while taking me home from school#i did get three meals a day during that time! its just.#breakfast was at 5:30 am and lunch was at 4 pm. and dinner was at 8 pm#i did occasionally get vending machine snacks as well#but yeah i would not recommend that lifestyle#if i wasnt so goddamn autistic and could eat cold sandwiches i would have packed a lunch but alas#pro tip for all commuters please for the love of god pack a lunch if you are at all able to do so#sometimes i wonder if mistborn era 2 and elantris are my least favorite cosmere books because of them actually being not as good#or if its just that i was being starved during the time i was reading them#who knows#luke.txt
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What if I wanna invite my friends fron different parts if the timeline out for ice cream?? What're the time demons gonna do then?? Snatch me???
#I wanna go out for ice cream with everyone from when I was younger#I wanna eat ice cream with my entire third grade class#I miss them and haven't seen them since that day I moved schools#I still have all the letters they made me and I still remember that dumb dance they did telling me they'd miss me that made me hide behind#My math teachers desk because I was embarrassed#What if I wanna eat ice cream with Hei Hei from when we were in 5th grade??#What if I wanna go out to eat with her and her grandparents one more time before senior year??#What if I miss the talks we had all the time and I just wanna go back to her house where her mom makes us both mickey mouse pancakes and we#Talk all night#What if I wanna see raine from 6th grade just one more time#I miss her#I wanna eat ice cream with her#But I never got to#What if I wanna her her young voice and see her in person just once more. I wanna see her before she left. Before all we could to is text.#I think her phone number changed now#But I wanna see her practice guitar while I get us some ice cream. I wanna see her practicing the gravity falls theme. She sent me the#Finished product once#But it's lost and I can't get it back.#What if I wanna have fun with K and J one more time before they made me cry? Before they separated everyone? What if I miss the younger the#What if I just wanna see them once more??#What if I wanna see KK in 4th grade again. Not with Raine#I don't wanna see that...#I wanna see their smile and I wanna see the way they got happy every time we all hung out?#What if I wanna see them again?#What if I wanna take out my very first friend group#The one I called home#We had games#We tried to climb that tree on the playground#We pretended to be animals. We acted as family. We gave ourselves a name... JACKS. All of our initials put together#I wanna see them smiling again
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john @ sam
#has someone made this joke before....probably!#joke post but i'm also somewhat serious abt it alksjdflaks#like the sam-john dynamic was always equal parts suspicion and protection to me!!!!#the reason why john is such a great character to me? he's the world's biggest hypocrite <3#hypocrisy - secrecy - mistrust the trifecta of john traits like what a guy! it all boils down to keeping control over uncertainty#sam's kept at a distance not to spare him from the horrors of hunting - it's also bc he's a potential liability#2.01 “I should've never taken you along in the first place. I knew it was a mistake” <- speaks volumes!!#he's not taking that risk! it's easier to shut him out (while also reminding dean he isn't good enough. to keep him in line)#(went to the logan roy school of dividing and conquering his kids <3)#but also. the uneasy idea of sam as a potential threat needing to be monitored and contained#a son to protect from dark forces is also the same son who drew darkness into his home!#sam's first panic room? cage? being left alone in motel rooms#it speaks volumes that legacy he leaves behind for dean#is him literally ordering a hit on sam alksdjf#i love the line 'watch out for your brother' bc it carries that dual meaning of protection and suspicion so well#like 'watch out' meaning protect him but also 'watch out' as in keep an eye on that threat#j.txt
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#why am i not in a good mood this morning? i just feel annoyed at everything#i think it’s overwhelm from having so much to do for school and NO energy or motivation to do it#on top of work being somewhat physically tiring#and i have to work 8 hours today (and practically every sunday) so it’s been forever since i’ve been to church#and i can’t go to bible study because i have class those nights#i’m just. tired.#and maybe it’s seasonal depression or something? i felt the same way this time last year#i just want to be home. and lay in bed. and watch ouat while i take notes and slowly get through readings#and i won’t have any energy to do anything when i get home tonight#i haven’t even started and i’m tired#please pray for me i think i’m going to need some today#and maybe just this week in general
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applied to a bunch of jobs! 😅🙏
#took me three days bc i really wanted my dad's input on my resume and he took a while to get back to me#but i reallyyyy wanted to have applications in my monday morning and now i do :)#also feeling much better aboutbthe whole thing now that i have stuff to be excited about#still really really sad abt leaving the kids at my current job tho#but i drove by some of the places i applied today and researched them and im really optimistic about some of them#i even heard back from one already which i was not expecting at all#she literally emailed me like half an hour after getting my application and started asking me questions#like a pre interview#so thats nice#we went back and forth a couple of times#its not my top top choice but that place isnt officially hiring and might take forever to back back to me#this place is a smaller home daycare type place and urgently hiring but the pay is super good and a home daycare environment might be nice#and the pay is pretty decent esp compared to what im making now#the top top place is a fancy pants private school that going to be way more thorough abt references and background check#so they'll take longer to get back to me#but i found out after applying that my friend's mom works there 🤯#so she's gonna ask her to put in a good word for me :)#but they're not officially hiring according to their website it just says they encourage people to inquire so i did#so p unlikely i would get that one but you never know#anyway!!!!#finally excited abt things and not just filled with dread and sadness abt leaving the current place and kids#still makes me sad but im not on the verge of tears thinking abt it anymore lol#this has been a shitpost
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Crazy when they put ants in my limbs and soul
#went driving max speed for like an hour and a half crazy loud music window down#wanted so bad to go to a party but it was Wednesday night so nothing was happening#wanted so badly to drink kava but ig now it's a controlled substance??#sometime in the past 5 months it went from being 18+ to 21+ so I'm pissed about that.#wanted to get a hit of a cart but no one ik here has that#and the smoke shop here that doesn't card closes at 11 sobs I drove by at 12:15#didn't want to take an edible because they last too long + make me sleep in too much#wanted to go roller skating wanted to go meeting people but again. Wednesday night.#would only get about an hour out of skating not worth the price#got home at 12:30 baked brownies cleaned my room cleaned my kitchen#eating now then I gotta get in bed#made a playlist based on what I had listened to in the car. lots of kpop. mainly kpop.#glad that they don't give cars to 13 year olds because when I felt like this at 13 I sh-ed in the middle of the night#I would've drove off the bridge#when I felt like this at 15 I walked for hours. in the middle of the night#when I felt like this at 17 I longboarded (gotta do that again) or ran 5 miles. also in the middle of the night#now ig when I feel like this at 19 I drive for however long however fast however loud. also still in the middle of the night#I'm tired of this I'm ready to go back to school but with my car this time#I always forget that I get weird when I haven't been around people I like enough#and when I'm without a structure for too long#therapy on Sunday thumbs up#gonna have a big (~12 people) party for my friends this month while I'm home alone (gotta buy shitty gas station alcohol and also a cart)#(excuse for one of my friends to get white girl wasted she's had to not do that all year so far because she can't keep secrets when drunk)#(she had evil friends in her theatre program but they won't be at my party)#gotta figure out a party playlist#got a bunch of pride events I'm planning to go to#by myself mainly because I fear my friends all suck and wouldn't go with me#so I'm hoping to meet new people but our big gay scene is either people in their 30s+ or people my age who still act like middle schoolers#trying to pick up a bunch of shifts but they aren't giving them to me booooo#excited to have the house to myself I'm really good at living alone
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I've actually had a really good day today for a change
#while me and my friends were walking to the bus stop we found a shopping trolley#and used it to carry our bags the reat of the way there#people were looking at us like we were insane#cant imagine why#moving on#after school the trolley was still at the bus stop 🥳🥳 so we used it to carry our bags again#when i got home my sisters friends were over and i had to go with them to coles (theyre all like 10)#my friend wanted to come so i met up with her and she came to coles with us#my sister + co started running away from me and my friend so we had to chose then around the store (we got yelled at multiple times)#i saw a guy from my primary school there#it was very awkward (he stared at me while i ran past him)#then we went to the store across the road and me and my friend has to chase sister+co around there too#then we went to the park#sister+co started plotting something#then one of my sister's friends started taking photos of me and my friend to make shitty memes#then me+friend started walking away and sister+co went down to the river (the park is directly next to a river)#then when sister+co weren't looking me+friend grabbed their bag of snacks and ran#they saw us tho :( then they chased us#but we got away#until we didn't#my sister started screaming at me so i dropped the bag and ran but she followed me#sister was holding a half full bottle of coke (coca cola not cocaine) and she started walking menacingly towards me and i was backing away#from her#but then she threw the coke all over me :((#then me+friend walked back home after yelling at sister+co#...#so#that was my day#idkwhattoputhere123
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nothing makes me feel more pathetic than when I’m trying to do a basic as fuck sum in my head and my brain is giving me absolutely nothing
not a single gear moving up there. Brain just clocks out when numbers are involved and trying to force it to figure out even the simplest calculations physically feels excruciating and exhausting
meanwhile my dad and my brother will be looking at me like I’m some alien experiment bc how can I be so stupid that I can’t do this shit in my head?
#I’ve always suspected I’ve got some degree of dyscalculia bc there are other related issues I have in that area#I used to slam my head on the table in primary school in frustration and cry when I couldn’t get my brain to figure things out#my exams and jotter margins were peppered with loads of tiny dot marks from where I would have to physically make a mark to count#and then count up how many marks I’d made to do the multiplication or whatever. Like 6x7 I would do six sets of seven dots and count them#I can’t do it in my head and school made me feel like an absolute moron for it but no-one ever suggested I might have an issue there#I couldn’t memorise times tables beyond like 2 and 5 and 10 consistently. Even 4 wouldn’t stick somehow#and 6 7 and 8 made me cry from how much I struggled with them. I still can’t remember them#I had a maths tutor in high school for my last year and every week he would have to teach me things again bc it wouldn’t stay in my head#My dad would shout at me when I was asking for help at maths homework bc he somehow thought shouting the sum at me would make me Get it#uncle would throw questions at me and my bro to figure out and my brother would get it instantly and I would be sat there struggling#and then the inevitable impatient sound of a disbelieving ‘come on!!’ would follow and I’d feel worse bc im expected to do it and I couldnt#there’s a home video of me trying to figure out the difference between the years 1982 and 1987 and the pause while the gears struggle#ton work out the number before saying it is agonising to listen to bc I am genuinely taking that long to do it
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the focus is out of wack, but I really love living in a prairie city. I love that at the edges, you get a lot more natural plants like this that are just left alone.
#it was too bright for me to really see the pics while I was taking them so I couldn't get the focus right#but they're still very pretty.#this is one of the bus stops I get home from school by
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Kaiju Number 8 Incorrect Quotes <take 6>
*depressed Iharu sitting on a bench* *Aoi and Haruichi come over and sit on either side of him* *Few minutes of silence later* Haruichi: Wah nee nah nu nee nu nee nu Wah nee nah nu nee nu nee nu- Aoi: *Starts thumping out the beat on the wall behind them* Iharu: . . . Iharu: SHE'S GOT A SMILE THAT SEEMS TO ME, REMINDS ME OF CHILDHOOD MEMORIES-!
#Heard this on the radio on the way home from work#Mind immediately went to the Pitch Perfect version#Tried to picture this with Iharu and Reno#One version and Reno singing and the other had Iharu doing it.#I thought about and That wouldn't be a thing to cheer up Reno and Reno would just take Iharu to the movies instead#Then I thought �� Nah lets give the RGB trio some lovin.”#A lot of the Ed photos have them all together/ they were all shown in the first few frames of the first episode#they just seem like that kind of good friends/ lots of people put them together platonically.#Iharu would absolutely have a guns and roses tattoo#he would look like a wooden desktop on its 5th tour of a middle school back row if Japan didn't give tattoos a horrible stigma.#covered shoulders to treasure trail in ink#hell: if someone who worked on the manga told me he had a secret d*ck tat I would probably believe them.#wow I haven't done one of these in a while#kaiju no. 8#iharu furuhashi#aoi kaguragi#haruichi izumo#inncorrect quotes#kn8
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Born to play sims all day, forced to write essays for uni ✋️😩
#miss when I was like 9 and I would come home from school and play ts3 for 6 hours every day#i have 2000 words due for tuesday which shouldn't really be a problem#but it's so hard to concentrate and do it#like I set a goal of minimum 400 words today so I can get on track to finishing in time and it's 9pm and I still haven't gotten it done#but at rhe same time I don't really like playing sims in my laptop#and the ea app keeps messing itself up on ny laptop for some reason#like the game claims it isn’t installed#but when i try to reinstall it it says I have it and tells me to repair it#and tbf repairing fixes it but it's a reoccurring issue for some reason????#also struggling to get actors for our short film project which is part of my bachelor so that's fun 😁🔫#and while I'm at it I genuinely cannot wait to not share kitchen w strangers#i get so annoyed w the people i share w rn and then i feel bad for being annoyed at them#but they send like 5 pictures in the gc whenever there's crumbs in the counter#and they seem to be incapible of doing trash correctly despite there being written instructions on how to sort????#like I've had to take non plastic grabage out of the plastics bag???#+the girl who has cleaning reaponsibility this week asked for the floor to be cleaned so she could have a 'fresh start'#even tho the mess appeared on monday like it's ur week to clean?????#and then they can't even do the ONE thing I asked for and put the knives in the dishwasher w the blade down#it's just small things but I can't wait to have my own kitchen holy shit I've lived in this dorm for almost 3 years now#i feel like I sound like a terrible person when I complain about this but I genuinely did prefer when we didn’t talk to each other#anyway hopefully I can actually get my ass to do this assignment soon 🙏🙏🙏#nonsims#personal
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operation "how much estrogen leeway do we have" has commenced and it's only been 2 days but i'm so frustrated my muscles are still acting like they've been through a marathon
#the past month has been trash and i've spent sooo many work days at home already this year#operation estrogen might fail which would leave us in an interesting place bc idk what the fuck he's gonna try next#except for a more radical surgery#which like. i'm down but endo seems to never get properly treated on surgery alone#though i guess mine might be if they surgically remove everything necessary to get rid of my periods#i'm just like#so frustrated by the way this takes time#and my endo is still like. comparatively not bad. and i've not struggled with it that long#relatively speaking#hiding from work helps a tad until i then have to return to work after an absence#i feel guilty about not being at work but i also just really want to have arms that don't feel like lead#i want to have energy for one after work activity once in a while#and like. my doctor is determined to get me there#they all keep telling me that it is important that i'm good and not just surviving#i'm just really tired#and i have to speak to the counselor tomorrow which#is good and mature but i truly don't fucking want to#i have fridays off to 'get more rest' but like#i do one thing on the weekend and it knocks me the fuck out#traitorous goddamn body#we shall see what the counselor says before i message my endo doctor agAIn but i don't think i'm any more capable of working full weeks#now than i was 4 weeks ago#i haven't worked a full week in the 6 weeks since school came back#rip to me#😔#some day my whiny text posts will be but a memory#i say as if i have any faith
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i havent even read enough gl to justify the feelings and emotions i have about kyle i just have the lovers heart and also something wrong with me. and my projection. in my mind he's just like me. and he would have loved college vending machine frozen cheeseburger and heating it up in the microwave at 1 in the morning because he was bored and didn't want to work on a drawing assignment on 20" x 30" paper that was due tomorrow in his freshman year. he would have loved going to the club to push off finals work that's creating the worst stress known to man in his brain. and he would love to annoy the fuck out of his roommate when high and avoiding homework on a saturday.
#IN MY MIND HE'S JUST LIKE ME and i understand why he dropped out of art school also.#i need to get back to my readings but im too into thinking about the couple dozen issues i have read#and then going i wonder what he was like in college. and the answer is definitely fucking annoying.#if i knew him i know we would be not arguing in art history class. i would be saying his takes are stupid outside of class during break.#and he would go i dont know how somoene can defend british utilitarian furniture so vehemently and try to liken it to bauhaus design#our arguments would also stem from having very different art history and therefore philosophy education. his background would be from a pro#who would focus on european canon as per usual while my prof was coming from the perspective of someone with a phd in asian art history#and a curriculum based mostly around exploring and investigating non euro art work and how movements like modernism and#post modernism functioned in other continents.#this is such a main blog post but idont care. EVERYONE HAS TO KNOW HOW I PROJECT AND INTERACT WITH HIM IN MY MIND#he would also hate how i argue for art even i dont care about by approaching it at the philosophical angle.#'how do you like this it's barely even art. or it is art. but it's a boring cop out for suckers. honestly.'#'the thing is i dont like it. i just think you need to expand your world views and stop being close minded. youre limiting yourself.'#you might go eiffel what are you basing this on? the answer is vaguely remembered panels in my mind plus generally taste opinions of his i#can gleam from what art references they give him within issues.#it would also be funny bc like. he has a background in design... he's just stubborn and snobby i think when it then comes to the realm of#fine arts. i think his opinions and how they operate in regards to design + illustration + non gallery art are probably quite different#but i cant lie. from the singular 'i dont wanna be some loser who shows up with a blank canvas to a gallery' panel i remember someone talki#about in a post i have used it to create a variety of thoughts i think he could have had.#and the answer is the opinions of someone definitely a little annoying in art school. with a pretty standard traditional training#and background that stems from euo+american art history and sensibilities that inform how he interacts with art. which is very normal#but i think it's funny to view him as someone i would probably roll my eyes at for some comments he would be making.#and it gets funnier with how he acts generally as a person.#kyle you cant be this snobby when you are drawing pin ups of your work crush in your home studio...#good lord this got so long i have a problem. hi. sorry to my new follower your kyle posting made me go ha ha kyle. i like that guy.#static.soundz#back issues box#< it might as well go there bc i blabbed way too hard and too much. sorry. overtaken by an entity in my mind
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guy is noticing his depression coming back, but will not do anything about it.
#idk ive been diagnosed with dysthymia which was sold to me as mild but longlasting depression etc.#as i was in the process of leaving my psychiatrist she told me it was at that moment in recession =w=b#but one main thing im seeing now is that im skipping school again. (+ the horrors but we dont talk about those)#skipping school isnt BAD and all. and i do genuinely think its for the better but. that might just be the depression voice talking =3=#anyway i know itll get better again. hopefully soon.#augh also one thing i noticed is. the sleepy. getting back.#its been a while since ive had afternoon naps but now..... they sure are happening.#and these suck a bit more bc often i get home at 4pm which is in my mind too late to have a comfy nap.#yesterday and also a couple days ago i napped from like 8pm-9pm. which isnt really helping my sleep :)#but its not like i could STAY AWAKE or something. i HAD to sleep.#:/#anyway its not like i can actually do something big about it...#maybe i should take a walk more. hm.#but my knees.... and the tired.... and things i actually have to do.....#sillyposting#yaknow.#=w=b
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watching sketchbook tours makes me so sad because its not even like im watching things that have very curated pretty drawings in sketchbooks instead of messy stuff- its just. they have color in them, like they use paint and markers and washi tape and stickers and it makes me soo jealous because i love color i love using different colors and mediums and making a big mess and i wanna do what these people do too but i cant because i dont ever have this stuff with me when i use my sketchbook :( nor do i have the time to play with materials when im just doodling in class and im sooo upset
#i have a couple markers with me and i use colored pencils to sketch sometimes but i just rarely have the time to do more#my sketchbooks recently have just been bothering me sjgsjevw#im at that point where i never know what to draw so i wanted to try and focus on anatomy but thats the kind of thing you cant#really practice in class.. especially since i still need to study from references and so im always just forced to do little doodles i dont#like at all instead of any practice and aah it's horrible!! its not like i have much free time at school but the breaks i take to relax and#draw or something are just so unfulfilling now it makes me sad#this is why i just wanna stay home all the time man! id be comfortable while i do work and also all my stuff is here aaaa
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wehhhhh...
i dont wanna change computers :[
#Staijey Speeks#shit vent#my school is taking back this chromebook cause im doin homeschool now#which means i have to tranfer all my files#AND all my accounts onto my other computers#but both of em suck because#1 just because their high quality doesnt mean its easy to navigate#2 my main home computer has touchpad/mouse issues and its just a pain in the aft#3 i cant add my new email to my main computer because its watched and while i can use it on my other one its layout is really weird#4 im still far from used to the other art programs and i feel ibis is just better for me anyway#or i might go back to using scratch and pixlr idk#and 5 I have a LOT of unfinished projects on here that i'd like to finish but now i might not be able to anymore#im realy just not happy but i think its for the better i leave that hellhole behind#dont have many positive relations there anyway so meh
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